Three Numbers

These numbers to a stranger mean nothing. But to me, they mean the world. These numbers to me represent my best year so far. They represent my 3 best friends. They represent nights laughing so hard i couldn't breathe. And represent nights i couldn't breathe for other reasons....cough cough. These numbers forever bind four friends together. And represent something that can never be taken away from us. This one year in Athens. This year where we were totally irresponsible and loved every single second of it. Not only this, but we recognized what we were doing, and laughed in the face of this whirlwind of responsibility.

These numbers represent the anticipation of each day ending this school year so the four of us could hang out together. We would epically debate over which episode of The Office to watch. Or, one of my faves, dance like we didn't care to Eiffel 65. The numbers represent epic debates on where to go get food. "Lets go to Clocked." These numbers have been countless times to Checkers after midnight; or to Zaxby's for dollar Nibblerz.

These numbers tested our friendship. And at times, we all asked if it was worth it. But the test of true friends is at the end of the day, or year for that matter, can you look back at what you had and say, "Ya, i wouldn't change anything about this year." I firmly believe that everything this year happened for a reason, for better or for worse. Call it cliche if you want, but I don't care. I can honestly say that my three friends under that house taught me more about myself than anyone I've ever known.

They taught me what it was to accept something that wasn't the norm; and they did this by unquestioningly and without hesitation supporting me in my coming out process. Not only did the accept me, but tolerated me when i was rude about it and, in all reality, probably didn't treat them as they ought to have been treated. They let me make my mistakes. And let me learn from them.

They taught me what it was to be ok with yourself. They taught me what it was to not take school so seriously. And without learning that, I may have actually died this past year. They taught me what it was to be a good room mate; knocking on the door just to check in on me and how my day was.

And so. To CC, Dogie, and Josh: You guys really do mean more than you can ever imagine to me. I never really knew how to show it. But i knew at the end of each day, you guys were the ones that were there for me. You saw me at my lows, and my highs (lolz). And i want you to know that nothing, and i mean nothing, will ever compare to what we had this year. I say with the deepest sincerity that I hope we hang out this next year. It scares me more than you will know to face a living situation without you guys. You really are the best room mates i could have ever asked for.

Josh- I say goodbye to you as a room mate. Moving on without you sleeping 20 feet from me seems a little wierd. For the first time I won't be able to make fun of you on a daily basis. Maybe you'll finally learn to walk up stairs? You are my go to guy when i don't know something. The advice you give and your undying ambition to help anyone, including myself, in need is one of your most endearing qualities. I'm scared we won't see much of each other this next year, but want you to know that I'm always gonna be there when u call to hang out.

And finally, to the 344. You started as a cookie cutter house with no personality. and now we talk about how no one will EVER be good enough for you. I'd like to say thanks to you. For the laughs. For the tears. For the smoke. For being the best god damn house in that busted college town. For the truly unforgettable memories. To the motherfucking 344 bitches!

I've got that 344 love now and forever. Love you guys.

Z.

I Rush to Sea

Scatter-brained. I feel so here-there-everywhere lately. I don't think its a bad thing, but i can't say that im necessarily fond of it.

Firstly, I absolutely love working with Becky at camp. She makes going to work so fun. We kinda balance the work with gossip and camp traditions. We got matching lawn seats we sit at amoeba at this year. Hers is pink. Mine is green. We've even reinstated the ever popular Twix date before amoeba. The disney sing-a-long sessions at Arts and Crafts are a blast. She makes going to work so easy. I think the thing i like most about becky is that she reminds me to not get so wound up about little things, something that so easily happens to me. She is such a go with the flow kind of person. I would say thats something i definitely need to strive more to be like. The other thing i love about working with her is her advice. Her is advice is AMAZING. She is so in tune with what others think and perceive that i know her advice won't lead me astray.

And as always, im still having fun with the gurlz. We try and get together at least once during the week to watch a movie. I think we have a home video night planned soon. We are going to watch all of our stupid home movies and probably die laughing at them. I'm ril excited for this to go down. We went out for Dave's birthday last night, and it was pretty fun. I know she had a good time....MRB...cough cough. My mom got to spend some time with Nick and Dave at the outlet malls on saturday when she took me shopping for my birthday. I had a lot of fun. And i think my mom had a good time meeting them. I know they liked her!

Another interesting development, I was very very close to talking to winston today. I had the facebook chat window open, but couldnt bring myself to type anything. Part of me wants to reach out, but part of me still says why bother. I still blame him for whats going on with 2/3 of the 344. And i still want to say Fuck you to him lol.

I have more to say....but it doesnt coincide well with the tone of this post. maybe next time....

Transitions

It's been a hot minute. I apologize. You understand how techinical difficulties go.  I've been having an urge to write lately, and now I finally am.  I think i need to update you on a few things.  

Camp- is wonderful.  It feels good to be back.  Being part of returning staff makes everything so much easier.  I am really excited to spend another summer with becky.  She took me out for a birthday lunch today. and i realized that i've missed hanging out with her.  I told her about my "condition", if you will, today.  And i really think that that alone will make this summer so much more fun that i can tell her my crazy stories that are bound to happen.  

Friends- o my.  where to begin. I feel this is still a sensitive subject, but I want to focus on the positive right now.  I don't want the tone of this blog between you and I to be a negative one, thus why i will talk about everything in a mostly positive manner.  Nick, Dave, and Michael. Once again, they've come to the rescue.  I've hung out with them regularly since school's been out.  And Nick and Dave even took me out for my birthday, sans Michael due to a beach vacay.  We went to Richards-talk about an experience haha but im glad my first time going there was with Nick.  I wouldnt have it any other way. 

Hmmm....this next person. You of course know who he is. Dave. Haha.  Dave makes me laugh.  I enjoy spending time with Dave, i kinda hope i can be like him one day- successful, good looking, has his shit together.  Hey, that wouldnt be so bad right? I struggle with knowing my boundaries with Dave- he's good at hiding how he feels.  I would definitely describe myself as the pursuer, and, I'd like to think, he hasnt showed much resistance to the pursuit.  I think the key with Dave is this: I can only take it day by day with him.  Looking towards something long term is fruitless.  And i just want to enjoy hanging out with him, and whatever happens happens. I need to remember to not lose sight of that. I would love to know what he thinks of me tho. If you hear could you let me know?

the 344- we have an atypical relationship. i wouldnt have it another way though.  I think they hang out a lot with out me now-a-days.  Rather, I'm fairly confident they do.  I try not to let it bother me.  People change. Friendships change.  That doesnt mean they aren't my friends anymore.  They all came together last night and hung out with me for my birthday.  We got queso and ate at Taco Mac and watched The Office- wouldn't you say that sounds like an awesome time to spend with some of your best friends?  i don't think they really knew how much that meant to me.  When the four of us get together, it just feels right. So CC, you'll read this at some point. Thanks for the presents and stuff. You're the best :) (o hai first shout out)

Maggie- o man.  back to the grind. and by grind i mean usual.  Jealousy.  You hate that i hang out with Nick, Dave, and Michael.  You just don't understand.  its ok though. You never do.  urgh. you deserve your own entry. it will come soon i have no doubt. But we are keeping this one positive :)

I'm going to revert to a aforementioned topic that i'd like advice on.  There's an interesting dynamic between Nick Dave and I thats going on, been going on.  I think that Dave has slowly taken over the role that I used to play in Nick's life.  the go to guy.  I think thats probably better in the long run for Nick, so i can't help but be happy for this positive change.  and hey, if roles change, I'm glad im being switched for someone like Dave.  I must admit, i do get jealous they get to hang out everyday. I wish i could be there that often....

There's the friends update.  I'm kinda at a loss for words as far as life updates go.  I'm sure i'll have more after the first week of camp. O and Dave and i are planning on cooking dinner on monday and watching a movie after. I can't help but hope tomorrow goes quickly :)

An Ode to You. Or Four.

I've been having alot of thoughts lately. and have been eager to share them with you.  i don't exactly know where to start. 

Do you ever think about out of sight, out of mind.  its been coming to mind alot lately.  And it perfectly describes my relationship with you.  I think its a convenience factor for you.  It is so frustrating.  When its convenient for you, that should be your motto.  While thinking the other day, you would be the last person i would call in a time of need.  and even when you were alerted, it would take you a few days to even respond to the call you would recieve.  I laugh at you.  You say I'm above this, I say you're immature.  To pick and choose when you can respond to someone is to live life in a childish manner.  Life doesn't seem to work that way, mine doesn't at least.  Maybe thats why you get overwhelmed so often when you can't pick and choose.  Don't you see.  I want to make you see.  But so goes the life of someone who doesnt see their own flaws.  But until I find someone like you, I'll keep on shooting you that text. Giving you that call.  You won't answer. Unless your not busy.  Now i ask you this: If my friend was in this situation and asked me for advice on what to do with this friend, my immediate answer would be: this person clearly isn't making you a priority, they shouldn't be one of yours either then.  Why, then, can i not let you go? Give me a sign, a vestige of caring.   This sign, i know, isn't likely to come.

And on to You.  You intrigue me.  And i know i intrigue you.  I think you are worried of what people might think.  You are worried about the difference in age.  I don't like it when people put limits on things.  What's the point? So you won't be able to fully enjoy something, how foolish.  You should just take something for what it is.  You say I'm attractive.  I'd say the same to you.  Yet you do nothing. So i'll participate in your game, not because you want me to, but because i want to see how things will play out.  I can tell you are a good person, in a world where those are few and far between.  And once again, my BB says that you think im a good person as well.  Just let yourself do what you want to do.  The end might be a little harder, but the experience itself will be so much more fulfilling.  

And you.  I hold so much anger towards you.  I want you to know. I put sole responsibility of my mediocre grades this semester onto you. A mediocre person.  How fitting.  There is a DIRECT correlation between you and my grades.  Without you, they are stunning.  With you, they are underwhelming.  I wasted my time with you.  I am better than you are, and you should know that.  You don't take accountability for your actions, and you are kinda failing at life right now.  You emotional fool.  You bring back bad memories.  You make me want to scream and tell you how i really feel. You just need to read this, and that would give you an idea.  I'm glad you see no repurcussions of your actions, and feel like you can say whatever you want to me.  Fuck that.  

And then i think about You.  Talk about one of the best surprises to come home too.  I never, ever, ever, ever thought you would change.  And somehow, someway, you have managed to prove me wrong.  Literally, I was reeling from the shock.  And still am.  You dont seem to call as often.  You are reconnecting with old friends.  You just seemed to have finally realized your mistakes, a little bit at least.  I am so happy for you.  And i think that you can tell to that our relationship is better because of these changes you are making.   

(yikes. the tone of this passage was so different than i intended.  hmmm. i guess i had stronger feelings than i thought i did.  But you've shown me its good to get them out.)

The World

Dear N.

It's strange to think that we've known each other for a year now.  I don't think i could have ever guessed that you would still be around in my life.  I still remember vividly the first time I talked to you, and the first time i met you.  At the subway. Looking BUSTED from cheerleading practice.  I think its safe to say that it was a little awkward.  but definitely the start of something unforgettable.  We've had our share of interesting experiences, but we always managed to get a good laugh out of them.  

I don't think i've ever truly said how much you mean to me.  In a way, you are the big brother i never had.  Which coming from my background means the world to me.  Growing up, I was always the odd one out, with my older brother picking my younger brother over me time after time.  I never knew any differently that that wasn't ok.  Until i met you.  You showed me what it was to have a mentor, someone who i could look up to.   To know that there was someone i could go to, that cared about things i did.  I've never had someone like that before.  I can say you are the only person i can call and know no matter what stupid thing ive done, you won't care and on top of that, you'll give me the best advice.  

This past semester, my older brother really tried to make ammends for past behavior.  But i think there comes a point where differences are so extreme that its so hard to over come them.  I think that that's what happened with my older brother and I.  Part of me wants to accept his invitation to be more involved in my life, but the other part says why bother.  I know when i tell him about me, he probably won't accept it anyways and just play the religion card and be done with it.  I can't know that this is will be the truth, but I can't help but let my mind jump to that conclusion.  

You bring out a different side of me.  You've showed me its ok to have fun, and be a little irresponsible; something that was always so hard for me to do.  I see the things you do and the manner in which you do them.  And i know you don't think anything of it, but i look up to the way you do things.  I think the thing i admire most about you is your ability to make people laugh.  Every time i talk to you, you have the ability to make my day better; something I am so grateful for.  It doesn't matter if i've had the best day ever, if i call you and tell you about it somehow you seem to make it just a little better; and with the worst days ever, you seem to know how to get my mind off whatever has made it so bad.  I think sometimes you kinda let yourself think that you're nothing special and there is nothing exceptional about you, but I think you should know that i couldn't disagree more.   You've taught me more than you could ever imagine about things i probably never would have considered important.   

I wrote a post recently about you, Michael, and dave: "Friday night, Nick Michael and Dave came up to Athens for the Pastel party.  It was beyond fun.  Something just feels so right about hanging out with the four of them.  We haven't got to hang out alot together, but i think thats why I'm so excited for this summer.  I know when the four of us get together, we can just go out for a good time. And have no drama.  I dont think they know how much their friendship means to me, especially Nick.  He is the big brother i never had.  or have....but never talk to.  He is the one person i can go to for anything and know i can get his opinion without him thinking anything different of me.  A friend like that is so hard to come by. "

I know you will say I'm being stupid when i say this, but i think after a lot of thinking I don't think that UGA isn't really the place for me.  Obviously i have friends, but not great friends.  I think alot of the time i'm kinda just a floater between friends.  I look at you, who has so many friends, and always strive to learn from how you do it.  I think even you will admit that you are good at making, and keeping, friends.  yet another quality of yours i admire.  I don't really fit in to a set group of people here, which i think makes it kinda hard for me.  Clearly I'm no frat star, and i'm obvi no super genius.  I like to think I'm no flamer, but i'm no jock either.  That may be the one thing i admire the most, is your group of friends.  I see how happy they make you.  And that is one of the best things in the world to see.  That's something that i still need to work, because as of now, i don't think i have that.  Now clearly I'm not going to do anything rash and drop out of school or anything, but i can't help but think about what would be differently if i went to school somewhere else, where i would fit in better.  

This semester has been such a struggle for me. I feel more lost now than ever.  I don't know if im good enough for med school.  And as always, you were there to help me through it.  So thanks.  

Like i said.  You mean more than you could ever know to me.  And i think that everyone deserves to know how special they are.  I guess i just wanted to say thanks.  Thanks for taking the time to worry about the troubles of a 19 year old.  Lately, i feel like i've been a bit bothersome and i hope you can excuse me for that.  I never mean to come across as clingy and needy, but like i said, you are my go to guy.  

So hey, thanks to the best one year of friendship i could have ever asked for.  You truly are uNique.  And i wouldn't trade you for the world.  Just don't forget about some busted 19 year old in Athens :) 

Love,

Your one and only Gossip Girl

XOXO

Flip Flops.

I don't think ive ever been more ready for a summer in my entire life.  Usually i leave school with a half hearted glance backwards.  School this semester was such a roller coaster.  But i can't help but look towards the summer with a sense of optimism.  I'm so excited to spend my summer at Camp with Becky, in Atlanta with Nick, Dave, and Michael, and for weekends at the house boat with Maggie.  That to me, are the ingredients for a perfect summer.  

I've learned so much this semester.  And now im ready to quit learning for a little bit and just cut loose and have fun for a little bit with no resposibility.  this past weekend was probably the most fun i've had at school this year.  On thursday night, I went to a rave with M., S., B., Y.,  and J.  It was so fun.  It really reminded me of the awesome times we had together in high  school and made me realize that no matter how much time we go without hanging out with eachother, we can definitely still throw down and have a good time.  Friday night, Nick Michael and Dave came up to Athens for the Pastel party.  It was beyond fun.  Something just feels so right about hanging out with the four of them.  We haven't got to hang out alot together, but i think thats why I'm so excited for this summer.  I know when the four of us get together, we can just go out for a good time. And have no drama.  I dont think they know how much their friendship means to me, especially Nick.  He is the big brother i never had.  or have....but never talk to.  He is the one person i can go to for anything and know i can get his opinion without him thinking anything different of me.  A friend like that is so hard to come by.  

And now on the eve of my o.chem final, yes my last chem class at UGA :) , I am just thinking about how great this summer will be.  With a foolish grin of optimism on my face.  48 hours. holler back. 

Poker Face

im not keen on showing emotion.  I don't view showing emotion as a weakness. Just kinda trivial.  Nothing really gets accomplished by showing and/or acting with your emotions.  Rash decisions likely ensue.  A level headed decision is always best.  

Winston and I are done.  And, in true fashion, im kind of indifferent to the whole situation.  I think that dating him helped me to figure out alot about myself, which i am really greatful for.  Things that i didnt know were true, or that i didnt realize before.  I realized that I'm kind of a selfish person.  I have a hard time putting others in front of myself.  Maybe its a good thing that having kids isnt really an option for me haha.  

This week has been kinda crazy.  I haven't felt good about myself at all.  I think this is the first time in my life that I've felt truly unhealthy.  Like including appearance and weight.  I can't help but think that alot of this unhealthiness started with Winston, academically at first.  I was a little slack in the beginning when it came to hanging out with him or doing schoolwork.  And I usually chose him.  Which in hindsight, was a bad decision.  But i enjoyed his company.  I believe that that was the beginning of the bad decisions.  A snowball effect, if you will.  

Today, I'm stopping that snowball.  A promise to myself.  I'm gonna get back on track.  Exercise. Eat better. Study hard till the end of school.  Just be a healthy person.  Making healthy decisions.  What is more is that it is written down.  This may be the first time i've written down a promise to myself to be honest.  Its a scary thing.  Writing down this promise in this journal is going to make me follow it.  Which is what i need.  A kick in the ass.  

School wasnt a priority this semester like it was last semester.  I guess the real question is is what consequences that will have down the road.  I don't regret not making school a priority this semester, i think it was my time to kinda let loose and slack off a little.  

"Something is not a waste of time if knowledge can be attained from it."

A mantra to live by.  By me. 

I think I'm Back! and better than before.