Transitions

It's been a hot minute. I apologize. You understand how techinical difficulties go.  I've been having an urge to write lately, and now I finally am.  I think i need to update you on a few things.  

Camp- is wonderful.  It feels good to be back.  Being part of returning staff makes everything so much easier.  I am really excited to spend another summer with becky.  She took me out for a birthday lunch today. and i realized that i've missed hanging out with her.  I told her about my "condition", if you will, today.  And i really think that that alone will make this summer so much more fun that i can tell her my crazy stories that are bound to happen.  

Friends- o my.  where to begin. I feel this is still a sensitive subject, but I want to focus on the positive right now.  I don't want the tone of this blog between you and I to be a negative one, thus why i will talk about everything in a mostly positive manner.  Nick, Dave, and Michael. Once again, they've come to the rescue.  I've hung out with them regularly since school's been out.  And Nick and Dave even took me out for my birthday, sans Michael due to a beach vacay.  We went to Richards-talk about an experience haha but im glad my first time going there was with Nick.  I wouldnt have it any other way. 

Hmmm....this next person. You of course know who he is. Dave. Haha.  Dave makes me laugh.  I enjoy spending time with Dave, i kinda hope i can be like him one day- successful, good looking, has his shit together.  Hey, that wouldnt be so bad right? I struggle with knowing my boundaries with Dave- he's good at hiding how he feels.  I would definitely describe myself as the pursuer, and, I'd like to think, he hasnt showed much resistance to the pursuit.  I think the key with Dave is this: I can only take it day by day with him.  Looking towards something long term is fruitless.  And i just want to enjoy hanging out with him, and whatever happens happens. I need to remember to not lose sight of that. I would love to know what he thinks of me tho. If you hear could you let me know?

the 344- we have an atypical relationship. i wouldnt have it another way though.  I think they hang out a lot with out me now-a-days.  Rather, I'm fairly confident they do.  I try not to let it bother me.  People change. Friendships change.  That doesnt mean they aren't my friends anymore.  They all came together last night and hung out with me for my birthday.  We got queso and ate at Taco Mac and watched The Office- wouldn't you say that sounds like an awesome time to spend with some of your best friends?  i don't think they really knew how much that meant to me.  When the four of us get together, it just feels right. So CC, you'll read this at some point. Thanks for the presents and stuff. You're the best :) (o hai first shout out)

Maggie- o man.  back to the grind. and by grind i mean usual.  Jealousy.  You hate that i hang out with Nick, Dave, and Michael.  You just don't understand.  its ok though. You never do.  urgh. you deserve your own entry. it will come soon i have no doubt. But we are keeping this one positive :)

I'm going to revert to a aforementioned topic that i'd like advice on.  There's an interesting dynamic between Nick Dave and I thats going on, been going on.  I think that Dave has slowly taken over the role that I used to play in Nick's life.  the go to guy.  I think thats probably better in the long run for Nick, so i can't help but be happy for this positive change.  and hey, if roles change, I'm glad im being switched for someone like Dave.  I must admit, i do get jealous they get to hang out everyday. I wish i could be there that often....

There's the friends update.  I'm kinda at a loss for words as far as life updates go.  I'm sure i'll have more after the first week of camp. O and Dave and i are planning on cooking dinner on monday and watching a movie after. I can't help but hope tomorrow goes quickly :)

An Ode to You. Or Four.

I've been having alot of thoughts lately. and have been eager to share them with you.  i don't exactly know where to start. 

Do you ever think about out of sight, out of mind.  its been coming to mind alot lately.  And it perfectly describes my relationship with you.  I think its a convenience factor for you.  It is so frustrating.  When its convenient for you, that should be your motto.  While thinking the other day, you would be the last person i would call in a time of need.  and even when you were alerted, it would take you a few days to even respond to the call you would recieve.  I laugh at you.  You say I'm above this, I say you're immature.  To pick and choose when you can respond to someone is to live life in a childish manner.  Life doesn't seem to work that way, mine doesn't at least.  Maybe thats why you get overwhelmed so often when you can't pick and choose.  Don't you see.  I want to make you see.  But so goes the life of someone who doesnt see their own flaws.  But until I find someone like you, I'll keep on shooting you that text. Giving you that call.  You won't answer. Unless your not busy.  Now i ask you this: If my friend was in this situation and asked me for advice on what to do with this friend, my immediate answer would be: this person clearly isn't making you a priority, they shouldn't be one of yours either then.  Why, then, can i not let you go? Give me a sign, a vestige of caring.   This sign, i know, isn't likely to come.

And on to You.  You intrigue me.  And i know i intrigue you.  I think you are worried of what people might think.  You are worried about the difference in age.  I don't like it when people put limits on things.  What's the point? So you won't be able to fully enjoy something, how foolish.  You should just take something for what it is.  You say I'm attractive.  I'd say the same to you.  Yet you do nothing. So i'll participate in your game, not because you want me to, but because i want to see how things will play out.  I can tell you are a good person, in a world where those are few and far between.  And once again, my BB says that you think im a good person as well.  Just let yourself do what you want to do.  The end might be a little harder, but the experience itself will be so much more fulfilling.  

And you.  I hold so much anger towards you.  I want you to know. I put sole responsibility of my mediocre grades this semester onto you. A mediocre person.  How fitting.  There is a DIRECT correlation between you and my grades.  Without you, they are stunning.  With you, they are underwhelming.  I wasted my time with you.  I am better than you are, and you should know that.  You don't take accountability for your actions, and you are kinda failing at life right now.  You emotional fool.  You bring back bad memories.  You make me want to scream and tell you how i really feel. You just need to read this, and that would give you an idea.  I'm glad you see no repurcussions of your actions, and feel like you can say whatever you want to me.  Fuck that.  

And then i think about You.  Talk about one of the best surprises to come home too.  I never, ever, ever, ever thought you would change.  And somehow, someway, you have managed to prove me wrong.  Literally, I was reeling from the shock.  And still am.  You dont seem to call as often.  You are reconnecting with old friends.  You just seemed to have finally realized your mistakes, a little bit at least.  I am so happy for you.  And i think that you can tell to that our relationship is better because of these changes you are making.   

(yikes. the tone of this passage was so different than i intended.  hmmm. i guess i had stronger feelings than i thought i did.  But you've shown me its good to get them out.)

The World

Dear N.

It's strange to think that we've known each other for a year now.  I don't think i could have ever guessed that you would still be around in my life.  I still remember vividly the first time I talked to you, and the first time i met you.  At the subway. Looking BUSTED from cheerleading practice.  I think its safe to say that it was a little awkward.  but definitely the start of something unforgettable.  We've had our share of interesting experiences, but we always managed to get a good laugh out of them.  

I don't think i've ever truly said how much you mean to me.  In a way, you are the big brother i never had.  Which coming from my background means the world to me.  Growing up, I was always the odd one out, with my older brother picking my younger brother over me time after time.  I never knew any differently that that wasn't ok.  Until i met you.  You showed me what it was to have a mentor, someone who i could look up to.   To know that there was someone i could go to, that cared about things i did.  I've never had someone like that before.  I can say you are the only person i can call and know no matter what stupid thing ive done, you won't care and on top of that, you'll give me the best advice.  

This past semester, my older brother really tried to make ammends for past behavior.  But i think there comes a point where differences are so extreme that its so hard to over come them.  I think that that's what happened with my older brother and I.  Part of me wants to accept his invitation to be more involved in my life, but the other part says why bother.  I know when i tell him about me, he probably won't accept it anyways and just play the religion card and be done with it.  I can't know that this is will be the truth, but I can't help but let my mind jump to that conclusion.  

You bring out a different side of me.  You've showed me its ok to have fun, and be a little irresponsible; something that was always so hard for me to do.  I see the things you do and the manner in which you do them.  And i know you don't think anything of it, but i look up to the way you do things.  I think the thing i admire most about you is your ability to make people laugh.  Every time i talk to you, you have the ability to make my day better; something I am so grateful for.  It doesn't matter if i've had the best day ever, if i call you and tell you about it somehow you seem to make it just a little better; and with the worst days ever, you seem to know how to get my mind off whatever has made it so bad.  I think sometimes you kinda let yourself think that you're nothing special and there is nothing exceptional about you, but I think you should know that i couldn't disagree more.   You've taught me more than you could ever imagine about things i probably never would have considered important.   

I wrote a post recently about you, Michael, and dave: "Friday night, Nick Michael and Dave came up to Athens for the Pastel party.  It was beyond fun.  Something just feels so right about hanging out with the four of them.  We haven't got to hang out alot together, but i think thats why I'm so excited for this summer.  I know when the four of us get together, we can just go out for a good time. And have no drama.  I dont think they know how much their friendship means to me, especially Nick.  He is the big brother i never had.  or have....but never talk to.  He is the one person i can go to for anything and know i can get his opinion without him thinking anything different of me.  A friend like that is so hard to come by. "

I know you will say I'm being stupid when i say this, but i think after a lot of thinking I don't think that UGA isn't really the place for me.  Obviously i have friends, but not great friends.  I think alot of the time i'm kinda just a floater between friends.  I look at you, who has so many friends, and always strive to learn from how you do it.  I think even you will admit that you are good at making, and keeping, friends.  yet another quality of yours i admire.  I don't really fit in to a set group of people here, which i think makes it kinda hard for me.  Clearly I'm no frat star, and i'm obvi no super genius.  I like to think I'm no flamer, but i'm no jock either.  That may be the one thing i admire the most, is your group of friends.  I see how happy they make you.  And that is one of the best things in the world to see.  That's something that i still need to work, because as of now, i don't think i have that.  Now clearly I'm not going to do anything rash and drop out of school or anything, but i can't help but think about what would be differently if i went to school somewhere else, where i would fit in better.  

This semester has been such a struggle for me. I feel more lost now than ever.  I don't know if im good enough for med school.  And as always, you were there to help me through it.  So thanks.  

Like i said.  You mean more than you could ever know to me.  And i think that everyone deserves to know how special they are.  I guess i just wanted to say thanks.  Thanks for taking the time to worry about the troubles of a 19 year old.  Lately, i feel like i've been a bit bothersome and i hope you can excuse me for that.  I never mean to come across as clingy and needy, but like i said, you are my go to guy.  

So hey, thanks to the best one year of friendship i could have ever asked for.  You truly are uNique.  And i wouldn't trade you for the world.  Just don't forget about some busted 19 year old in Athens :) 

Love,

Your one and only Gossip Girl

XOXO

Flip Flops.

I don't think ive ever been more ready for a summer in my entire life.  Usually i leave school with a half hearted glance backwards.  School this semester was such a roller coaster.  But i can't help but look towards the summer with a sense of optimism.  I'm so excited to spend my summer at Camp with Becky, in Atlanta with Nick, Dave, and Michael, and for weekends at the house boat with Maggie.  That to me, are the ingredients for a perfect summer.  

I've learned so much this semester.  And now im ready to quit learning for a little bit and just cut loose and have fun for a little bit with no resposibility.  this past weekend was probably the most fun i've had at school this year.  On thursday night, I went to a rave with M., S., B., Y.,  and J.  It was so fun.  It really reminded me of the awesome times we had together in high  school and made me realize that no matter how much time we go without hanging out with eachother, we can definitely still throw down and have a good time.  Friday night, Nick Michael and Dave came up to Athens for the Pastel party.  It was beyond fun.  Something just feels so right about hanging out with the four of them.  We haven't got to hang out alot together, but i think thats why I'm so excited for this summer.  I know when the four of us get together, we can just go out for a good time. And have no drama.  I dont think they know how much their friendship means to me, especially Nick.  He is the big brother i never had.  or have....but never talk to.  He is the one person i can go to for anything and know i can get his opinion without him thinking anything different of me.  A friend like that is so hard to come by.  

And now on the eve of my o.chem final, yes my last chem class at UGA :) , I am just thinking about how great this summer will be.  With a foolish grin of optimism on my face.  48 hours. holler back.