Character Flaw

I don't write. Writing makes it real. Something I'm so good at pretending doesn't happen.  I have to acknowldege it if I write.  I never re-read anything i write. I don't like seeing those feelings come alive again. This is out of character.

I am out of character. Doing things I know aren't right. Why do them then? Why not do them? Mess up now? Or will i just be messing things up later. Where did my focus go? 

I need it so badly. It's scary.  What if it doesnt come back? Whats next....

Can i recover? I just want to know. I always want to know. More. Next. Why. How. 

Lately i've lost my love of knowing.